Mackenzie’s blog

i thought this was real at first.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 22:35:55 -0700

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pros and cons.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 22:32:55 -0700

today has been a pretty rough day.

i was joking around about transferring to a state school with julia today, but now it's starting to really become a possibility. so i'm going to to write out the pros and cons.

pros for loyola:

-already got through one year

-love the city

-better opportunities after i graduate

-alex goes to depaul

-good study abroad programs

cons for loyola:

-extremely extremely expensive

-hard to tranfer credits

-don't get to take major classes until junior year

-too small

-farther away from home

-not sooo happy right now

pros for state school:

-way cheaper

-close to home

-i'd have a car

-easier to get a job serving or something

-friends would be close by

-better chance being about to transfer out to california senior year

cons for state school:

-possibly less opportunities

-some are too big

-have to start new as a sophmore

i can't really think of anything else right now. even though i have been thinking about this for over 2 hours. instead of studying for a test.

i'm in some major need of prayer.

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kittens inspired by kittens.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:26:14 -0700

kittens inspired by kittens

i really love this video so much. some people i have showed didn't laugh, but i cried my eyes out the first time i did because it was so funny! haha.

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i gotta get out of here.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 00:24:17 -0700

I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape
I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
-be my escape


i'm kinda obsessed with that song again. it takes me back to my freshman years. haha.

i don't have a ton of time to update, but i thought right now might be a good time.
this whole time change thing is really screwing me up, i'm going to be so tired tomorrow.

so i just got back a few hours ago from being at home for spring break. all around, spring break was AMAZING. i don't think i've been so happy in while. i just feel so blessed to be surrounded my so many amazing friends who i know honestly care about me. it's weird that usually everyone grows apart from their friends when they move away, but we've all just gotten so much closer. and i've made so many new friends. 

a few things that sucked over break:
-i got a phone call at 8 in the morning one day saying that i don't have a job anymore. the school cancelled my work study for some long reason and now the place i work is having a hard time finding the money to pay me. 
-i got my first speeding ticket. i went on a road trip up to cedar falls to visit katlynne. it was a perfect drive there. i loooovee road trips so much. so when i got there, we decided to just head back because there wasn't anything to do. well, i was speeding. i was going 80 in a 70. i also didn't have the insurance or registration in the car, b.c. my sister took it out. but  i just got a warning for that (it would have been $350), but i got a $100 speeding ticket.
-i missed church this morning. i turned off my alarm without realizing it. i really don't even remember it going off. i was soo mad. 

so now that i am back, it just feels so weird. i had a really long talk with my roommate. both of us just aren't as happy here anymore, and we don't really know why. i feel so distant from my friends, and honestly i just kinda want new ones. most of my friends went to canada for spring break (which i was planning on going, but backed out), literally all the stories i have heard were i was SOO drunk/high and did blah blah blah. it was honestly just annoying. i haven't drank in over 4 weeks, which might not sound like a long time, but there have been many oppertunities that i have turned down. i guess thats the reason for most of this stuff honestly. idk. i know that i'm supposed to be here, i just think that since i'm not liking it, that i'm trying to make myself thing that God is saying to leave, but i know it's not true. 

thankfully, i only have 8 more weeks left. i'm praying that next year will be different. maybe summer will help open up my eyes on why i was so ready to leave in the first place. i feel like i sound all sad and depressed, but i'm really not. haha. just very confused.

this is much longer than i planned. i'm sorry if you read it all:)

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struggles.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Sun, 25 Jan 2009 23:16:50 -0800

"Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect." Hebrews 12:2.

"The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living." Hebrews 13:12

I just opened up my Bible and prayer journal for the first time in over 3 months. I've honestly never felt so much guilt in a really long time. This weekend hit me really hard. I'm going to be extremely honest which makes me really nervous, but i feel like in order to start fresh, i need to open up and let it all out even if no sees this. This saturday was the first saturday i've been sober at school for a long time. My drinking has gotten out of hand. At first i didn't care and was just having fun and laughing it off. I blacked out three nights in a row last weekend. Looking back and realizing what i've been doing has made me embarrassed. I look at my friends here, and realize I never want to become that. I don't want drinking to be a big part of my life. I don't ever want to start having random hook ups and laughing about it the next day. That was never me and I don't want turn into that.

When i first came here, I had no problem not drinking because I was so alone. I really only had God in my life. I was stronger in my faith than I think i ever have been. But once i started making friends, I pushed Him farther and farther away. I don't want to blame it on peer pressure because it's not true. I made the decision to start drinking. My friends have never pressured me, but it's hard to be the only one to go out sober.

I started going to a church and a small group when i first moved here. I started skipping Sundays because i was always so tired or had stuff to do, which is no excuse. With my small group, i felt so pushed away from a group than I ever have. At some party, a girl from my small group saw me there,and then next week i couldn't make it to the group because of work, and ever since then, i have felt so judged and unwanted. it hurts that instead of giving me more support, they all just stopped including me in things.

It's been really hard staying strong here without people here to help me. I know i need to grow up and be able to take care of myself, but when im surrounded by people who don't understand or keep me accountable, it gets tough. Back home i have friends who know me and would call me out for what i am doing. Here, it's the normal thing to do. I really don't even know what i am saying anymore. I've been so happy the past few months, but now that i'm looking back, there's always been something missing. I'm not the same person. I'm not happy with the decisions i'm making even when i act like i am. Going home has been tough because i go to church or pine street and see people who i know would be disappointed in me. I feel like they know and it hurts me. I wanted so badly to not become this when i went off to school. I've seen to many friends fall away and never return. I have too many friends who have put partying at their main priority. I guess I'm just happy that I'm catching myself before I fall too hard. I just feel like a disappointment to so many people and myself. Everyone just keeps telling me, It's college. It's so normal. You're allowed to drink occasionally. But I guess for me, it's become more. I know that those aren't excuses.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. II'm very determined to change my behaviors. But i can't just stop hanging out with my friends. I feel so blessed to have found good friends here who i know love me. I know they would love me even if i don't drink. it's more of a battle inside of myself. I needed to put this out here because I'm hoping it will make me more aware of people knowing so I can't just hid it. I need to change. It's going to be hard. I just don't want people for judge me.

I prayed a lot today and for the first time in a long while, i felt God. It felt like i just reconnected with an old friend.

It's way past my bed time. I'm sick and took medicine forever ago and it's definitely making me tired.

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first week back!

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:40:46 -0800

i'm finally back in chicago, and loving it (except the FREEZING weather.) sometimes i wonder why i chose to go to a school in the midwest. california is sounding really nice right now!

i've started all my classes this week and i'm surprised to say i'm actually kind of excited. i'm taking a sociology class, which is kind of interesting. i don't really know where the class is going, but so far it's been pretty interesting. logic is probably the class i'm most nervous about. i'm not so good with the philosophy thinking, but i have friends in the class to help. i have to take a writing class which is just an expansion on the class i took last semester. the teacher is hilarious and i two of my really good friends in there with me. finally, the class i'm most excited for is New Testament. everyone kept telling me i was crazy for taking it, but it really seemed interesting. i love the teacher, she's so sweet and really willing to help out. it's basically just learning what the context is saying based on the time the books were written and giving the background.

it's been so nice being back with all of my friends! last semester was basically just trying to find your group of friends, so now that i've figured that all out, we can just hang out!! we've (actually just me) have been planning our spring break trip! they all decided to make our trip change from miami to toronto! don't ask me why. i don't snowboard, but apparently i'm going to need to learn cause thats the reason for our trip. they're crazy. but it will still be fun to all be together!

overall i'm in a really good mood and having a great week! i miss people from home, but haven't had much time to think about it!

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tonsils.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Wed, 24 Dec 2008 03:43:14 -0800

so, if i thought i was having a crappy break before, i take it back. on friday i got my tonsils taken out and my septum straightned. everything about friday gives me nightmares. going into the surgery was soo scary. coming out was even worse. the anestsia sucked. i couldn't stop shaking for hours, i felt so sick, and was in a ton of pain. even with all the morphine and liquid pain medicine, i was miserable. when i got home, it didn't get better. i couldn't even sit up in bed. i tried to eat ice cream, but after taking my medicine, i got sick. i couldn't keep the medicine or food down for the first two days. so, we decided to just stop taking it because clearly it was too strong for my stomach. i've just been taking advil now. on monday i thought i was finally getting better. i was able to talk and eat, but its just gone down hill. i haven't been able to sleep. it's currently 5:40 and i've been up for over an hour. i havent eaten anything in over 24 hours. its horrible. christmas is my favorite holiday, and i don't even want to be a part of any of my family stuff cause i just want to lay in bed. i don't know how much longer i have until i feel semi better, but i'm hoping its soon. pray for me!

sorry for the complaining, but if you've had them out, you know how it feels.

merry "almost" christmas.

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ohhh davenport.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 23:45:09 -0800

well, i'm back in davenport for a month.

i was sooo excited to come home, and it is nice to be home in my own room with my family, but i really would rather just be in chicago. i feel like i was finally getting to a point where i just didn't care anymore. i've grown up and changed so much as a person, but i feel like being back here has made me go back to who i was.

honestly, for the past few months, i've been the happiest i ever have been. not just because i've met people, but for once i feel like i have more control of who i am and how people perceive me. here, everyone knows who i am, who my friends are, and what i do. but starting fresh and defining myself differently has been life changing. lately, the little things have been getting to me and just making me upset. i'm really just not as happy. i'm remembering more and more why i wanted to leave here so much. i love my friends here, but it's not enough anymore.

sorry doug! not as positive as usual. haha.

i know everything will work out. i know God is in control. i know that He has placed me where i am supposed to be. maybe this is all happening for a reason.

"i believe everything happens for a reason. people change so that you can learn to let go. things go wrong so you that you can appreciate them when they're right. you believe lies so that you will eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes, things fall apart, so better things can fall together."
-marylin monroe

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all time favorite movie/song.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Sat, 06 Dec 2008 23:07:35 -0800

Almost Famous - Tiny Dancer

everything about almost famous is amazing. it's like one of the only movies i can watch everyday multiple times and not get sick of it. tiny dancer will always be my favorite song because of this movie. even know it got ruined when the lyrics were changed to hold me closer tony danza. pissed me off. haha.

"i always tell the girls, never take it seriously. if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. if you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends."

love it.

"listen to Tommy with a candle burning, and you'll see your entire future."

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pandora.

nobody@vox.com(Mackenzie) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 23:56:48 -0800

i briefly mentioned pandora.com on my last post. it was the first time i went on it (last night), but i have been on it all day! i'm addicted. i think i'm like way delayed on this, apparently everyone has heard about it. but, if you haven't. all you do is type in a song/artist and it creates a radio station of songs that are similar to what you type in. i typed in jason mraz and have now discovered a bunch of really amazing artists.

i've been listening to soo much music lately. i've just been sick of tv. i think my favorite part of the day is when i have to go somewhere far so i can just sit back, relax, and put my ipod on shuffle. but i sorta have a problem with finding a song and just putting it on repeat. for example, within this month i have been obsessed with:

-Remembering Sunday-All Time Low

-Magic-Colbie Caillet

-Swing Life Away-Rise Against

-Love Story-Taylor Swift (guilty pleasure)

-I'm Yours-Jason Mraz

-Hush-Automatic Loveletter

-Inaudiable Melodies-Jack Johnson

-Hot & Cold-Katy Perry ( i was about to say guilty pleasure, but i'm proud of it! haha)

these songs have literally been on repeat!

this is a really really good christmas-ish cd! it's all girl singers like regina spektor, ingrid michaelson, and brandi carlile!

The Hotel Cafe Presents...Winter Songs

Various Artists

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