when you're too afraid to fight.
i've tried updating this thing a million times, but i don't really know what to say.
things have been a lot better. i'm really honest happy. i love my new living arrangements. emma has been an amazing roommate and i just feel a lot more comfortable here. my relationship with my friends are growing stronger. i'm able to pretty much fully be myself. it's weird that everyones stories are changing from things about back home to whats going on here. i like it tho. it's starting to get really cold here and i hate it. im already freezing, i don't know what i am going to do during the actual winter. i'm currently being the stereotypical broke college student! i have very little money left, i literally can't even afford to do my laundry right now, but i guess im going to have to make due cause i really need to do it soon. im starting to run out of warm clothes! haha. BUT, im really excited because i have an interview at Y.O.U it's sorta like an after school program! it's only two days a week for four hours and it's work study. so im praying that i get it!
i guess on a worse note, im very very stressed out currently. i've just realized that i am actually failing a class. like F and all. i would just drop it, but im already only taking 12 credits, so i would no longer be considered a fulltime student. i have two tests left (one being tomorrow) and some extra credit due, so im praying that it will somewhat bump me up, but i don't have much hope in it. im just frustrated with myself, but i know its because i struggle with these type of classes where it's like 150 students, my professor literally reads from a powerpoint, then we have a test. it' sound so easy, but i need more. i've done some of the reading, but that in itself still doesn't help. im just so annoyed with myself for pretty much screwing my gpa! i guess im going to look into seeing if i can retake it at blackhawk this summer and see if it will transfer. but i don't know. im just trying to not get myself all worked up. i just feel so behind and that i will never be able to catch up. i've been told forever how hard loyola is, and i thought i could handle it, but now im second guessing myself.
ohh and to top off stress, i talked to my mom the other day, and i realized how real it is that my family is leaving this summer. we're putting our house on the market in may! i don't even know if i will be spending my summer in davenport or california! we've been talking about moving, but it's just very real now. my sister applied at depaul for this spring semester, so im praying she gets in. it would be AMAZING to have her here.
Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plough that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds. The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of yourself and thus gradually build a community within you. Those you have deeply loved become part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become part of your inner community. The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear. -Henri J.M. Nouwne
this doesn't necessarily pertain to my life, but i think it's interesting...
"So I was thinkin' about relationships and about how it pertains to songs about relationships, And uh, I was trying to think, well it occurred to me that the key, I figured out the key to a relationship and how to make it work. Check it out, this is, this is, a tip from your uncle John, check it out.
When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you, first of all, a friend of a friend of theirs say, he or she really really likes you, and it kills you, floors you, sends you to the ground, you've got to pick yourself up off the ground.
Then you get their phone number and you call them up, right, and you say "Yeah, that's a really great phone conversation, can I see you some time?" and then they say this, they say, "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than "I'd like that". So now, your blood pressures' goin, you're six feet off the ground, you can't sleep, because of "I'd like that".
So then you hang out for a while, and you call and you talk on the phone all the time, and then you drop the bomb, what feels like the bomb, you say, "You know what, I've been thinkin about you a lot." And she goes, "Ahhhhhhh!" And you go "What happened?" and she goes, "I'm sorry, I just, I just, I just, that's, I've been thinking about you too." Bam Higher into the sky. But now "I'd like that." Psh. Done. Now you're up to "I'm thinkin about you."
Then however number of months pass, it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say "I gotta tell you something." They go "What?", you go "I'm in love with you." And nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." And then maybe she starts crying, or maybe he goes "*gasp*". And all the sudden you're like "I'm in." But now what doesn't work?; "I'd like that." and "I've been thinkin about you." Now we're at "I'm in love with you." Then maybe some day it'll move up to "I love you." Fast forward, now you're like "I love you a lot; I love you more than anything in life." Now "I love you." doesn't work. It's a threshold that keeps movin up.
Fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be, now you're on like, "I want to marry you." "I want to impregnate you with my love." "I wanna, I wanna just send my love to you." "Damn it, words don't work anymore." And then you say this line....haha... and you know, you know you've used this line before, "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what I feel."
And so now he or she starts askin, "Do you love me?" and you start goin, "Of course I love you." "Well say it." And then it becomes "Say it twice." And it goes "Say it three times."
And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all the sudden it becomes "I hate you, I hate you." And you go, "Oh my god she hates me." And now it's like "I hate you more than anything." And then it's like "We're over." And then they go "No we're not." And you go "Yes we are." Now the words completely do not work at all, you're left with nothing. You're throwing punches under water. You're done...
You know what the moral of that story is, (if there is one).... Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that."
When you first meet somebody, you find out they like you, first of all, a friend of a friend of theirs say, he or she really really likes you, and it kills you, floors you, sends you to the ground, you've got to pick yourself up off the ground.
Then you get their phone number and you call them up, right, and you say "Yeah, that's a really great phone conversation, can I see you some time?" and then they say this, they say, "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than "I'd like that". So now, your blood pressures' goin, you're six feet off the ground, you can't sleep, because of "I'd like that".
So then you hang out for a while, and you call and you talk on the phone all the time, and then you drop the bomb, what feels like the bomb, you say, "You know what, I've been thinkin about you a lot." And she goes, "Ahhhhhhh!" And you go "What happened?" and she goes, "I'm sorry, I just, I just, I just, that's, I've been thinking about you too." Bam Higher into the sky. But now "I'd like that." Psh. Done. Now you're up to "I'm thinkin about you."
Then however number of months pass, it makes you feel comfortable saying it, you say "I gotta tell you something." They go "What?", you go "I'm in love with you." And nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." And then maybe she starts crying, or maybe he goes "*gasp*". And all the sudden you're like "I'm in." But now what doesn't work?; "I'd like that." and "I've been thinkin about you." Now we're at "I'm in love with you." Then maybe some day it'll move up to "I love you." Fast forward, now you're like "I love you a lot; I love you more than anything in life." Now "I love you." doesn't work. It's a threshold that keeps movin up.
Fast forward, like six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be, now you're on like, "I want to marry you." "I want to impregnate you with my love." "I wanna, I wanna just send my love to you." "Damn it, words don't work anymore." And then you say this line....haha... and you know, you know you've used this line before, "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love because love just doesn't describe what I feel."
And so now he or she starts askin, "Do you love me?" and you start goin, "Of course I love you." "Well say it." And then it becomes "Say it twice." And it goes "Say it three times."
And then, you cross a really interesting point, where all the sudden it becomes "I hate you, I hate you." And you go, "Oh my god she hates me." And now it's like "I hate you more than anything." And then it's like "We're over." And then they go "No we're not." And you go "Yes we are." Now the words completely do not work at all, you're left with nothing. You're throwing punches under water. You're done...
You know what the moral of that story is, (if there is one).... Never, ever, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that."
-John Mayer
i'm coming home again this weekend, and i wanna say this is the first time i'm not very excited. i've decided i kinda need to somewhat let go of parts of davenport. i've been holding on so tightly that i haven't been able to fully experience my college life. people always ask me what i do on the weekends, but i don't even know. i'm never here! i love davenport, and i really miss it, but i'm trying to accept that im not there or a part of it anymore. everyone else has moved on except me. i still try and be so involved, but its impossible. i'm realizing that i do have friends here, although they are not my best friends or any where close, there is some potential. i obviously don't plan on throwing away my friendships, but i can't worry so much about them. i need to focus on my relationships here. wow. i haven't really been thinking about this until right now. i guess this is how i really feel and i just didn't know it. haha. ohh an don't get me wrong, i could never replace my friends back home with the ones here. no one here will ever know me like my best friends. im just ready to start sharing my future with some other people.
i feel better:)
so, i've been trying to update this thing forever, but i always stop halfway through.
well, most of you who read this know whats been going on roommate wise. if not, you can ask. i had my meeting today with the residence director and she said that the could either sit me and my roommate down or just move me. well since my mom definitely wanted me out, i chose that one. i was actually put into a room with my friend emma, who just got rid of her roommate because her roommates homeless boyfriend was living in the room, so i'm really excited. the room isn't as big, but i still have my own bathroom!!
so besides all that drama, school has actually been really good. i've been homesick, but i'm starting to get more comfortable here and getting closer to my friends. actually, six of us are in this around the city/school scavenger hunt all week. so it's been really fun. i'm finally done with all of my midterms. they were really pretty hard. so that wasn't fun. hmm. i'm going to my aunt and uncles house this weekend to babysit! its a good way to make some money. i'm SO broke!
so i guess all-in-all everything is good! i'm still going to my small group and all the stuff that goes with it. we actually reading the book "The Sacred Romance." it's so good so far. every thursday night a huge group of us plays capture the flag. it makes me feel like im in junior high again. haha. SO much fun!
wednesday is my forever the sickest kids and cobras starship concert! so be ready to hear about that!
here is the cutest video ever:
this is definitely one of my favorite covers. its so cuuttee and amazzing. lol.
i'm coming home today! sooo excited. i'll be home for six days so i'll have more time to spend with people. but i have a feeling i'll end up being ready to come back. i'm actually enjoying school. i complain all the time, but it's not so bad. i've been making friends in my classes so that helps a ton. i'm just still not used to the fact that i don't have a big group of friends or a best friend. but ohh well. i'm really starting to get close to the girls in my small group and i love it! it's so nice to have people who understand me and they are more like my friends back home!
well. i need to pack!
