struggles.

"The night is almost gone; the day of salvation will soon be here. So remove your dark deeds like dirty clothes, and put on the shining armor of right living." Hebrews 13:12

I just opened up my Bible and prayer journal for the first time in over 3 months. I've honestly never felt so much guilt in a really long time. This weekend hit me really hard. I'm going to be extremely honest which makes me really nervous, but i feel like in order to start fresh, i need to open up and let it all out even if no sees this. This saturday was the first saturday i've been sober at school for a long time. My drinking has gotten out of hand. At first i didn't care and was just having fun and laughing it off. I blacked out three nights in a row last weekend. Looking back and realizing what i've been doing has made me embarrassed. I look at my friends here, and realize I never want to become that. I don't want drinking to be a big part of my life. I don't ever want to start having random hook ups and laughing about it the next day. That was never me and I don't want turn into that.

When i first came here, I had no problem not drinking because I was so alone. I really only had God in my life. I was stronger in my faith than I think i ever have been. But once i started making friends, I pushed Him farther and farther away. I don't want to blame it on peer pressure because it's not true. I made the decision to start drinking. My friends have never pressured me, but it's hard to be the only one to go out sober. 

I started going to a church and a small group when i first moved here. I started skipping Sundays because i was always so tired or had stuff to do, which is no excuse. With my small group, i felt so pushed away from a group than I ever have. At some party, a girl from my small group saw me there,and then next week i couldn't make it to the group because of work, and ever since then, i have felt so judged and unwanted. it hurts that instead of giving me more support, they all just stopped including me in things. 

It's been really hard staying strong here without people here to help me. I know i need to grow up and be able to take care of myself, but when im surrounded by people who don't understand or keep me accountable, it gets tough. Back home i have friends who know me and would call me out for what i am doing. Here, it's the normal thing to do. I really don't even know what i am saying anymore. I've been so happy the past few months, but now that i'm looking back, there's always been something missing. I'm not the same person. I'm not happy with the decisions i'm making even when i act like i am. Going home has been tough because i go to church or pine street and see people who i know would be disappointed in me. I feel like they know and it hurts me. I wanted so badly to not become this when i went off to school. I've seen to many friends fall away and never return. I have too many friends who have put partying at their main priority. I guess I'm just happy that I'm catching myself before I fall too hard. I just feel like a disappointment to so many people and myself. Everyone just keeps telling me, It's college. It's so normal. You're allowed to drink occasionally. But I guess for me, it's become more. I know that those aren't excuses.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. II'm very determined to change my behaviors. But i can't just stop hanging out with my friends. I feel so blessed to have found good friends here who i know love me. I know they would love me even if i don't drink. it's more of a battle inside of myself. I needed to put this out here because I'm hoping it will make me more aware of people knowing so I can't just hid it. I need to change. It's going to be hard. I just don't want people for judge me. 

I prayed a lot today and for the first time in a long while, i felt God. It felt like i just reconnected with an old friend. 

It's way past my bed time. I'm sick and took medicine forever ago and it's definitely making me tired.